The screen is black, but light starts blurring into existence like looking
up at a clear, noon sky from the bottom of a lake.  Ranma's voice can be
heard, groaning, "Uuunn.  Ow.  What hit me?"
	The lights and colors come together to become Ukyou's worried face.  "Oh,
Ranchan, are you alright?"
	A different camera shows Ranma and Ukyou laying under the covers of a
queen-sized bed, and they appear to be completely naked. (CUTE VOICE:
WHAT!?) Ranma has one hand on his forehead while he rubs the back of his
head with the other.  Ukyou is propped on one elbow, hovering almost
directly on top of him, staring down at him as if all of her dreams had come
true.
	Ranma groaned again, "Where am... Aaaaaaack!  Ucchan, what're you doing?!"
Ranma jumped to the edge of the bed, almost falling off, when he realized
she was in the same bed with him.  "And where're your clothes?!"  He glanced
down at himself and screamed, "Where're my clothes?!"
	Ukyou held her end of the covers high upon her chest in mock-shyness and
put on the most pitiful face she could.  "I'm SO sorry I hit you, Ranchan.
I'll do anything to make it up."  She slowly advanced on him, hoping he
wouldn't call upon his Voice of Reason to think the situation through.  As
she expected, he was totally paralyzed.
	When Ukyou's lips are only inches from Ranma's, he tries to protest, "But
we're only sixteen.  Isn't it sorta illegal to tape this sorta thing in the
United States?"
	Ukyou smiles and closed in.  "It's the '20s, silly.  And I won't tell if
you don't."  Ranma shuts his eyes tight, preparing for the kiss.  Ukyou's
eyes widen and she gasps, "Tape?"
	"Aaaaiiii!"  Ukyou jumps back to her side of the bed and pulls the covers
close to her neck when she spies the camera mouted on one of the bedposts.
It pivots in her direction and Happousai's voice can be heard emanating from
its microphone, "Way to go, Miss Kuonji.  Now go back to what you were doing
and don't let me bother you two."  Ranma ducks further under his covers and
trades worried glances between Ukyou and the camera.
	"DIE, STUPID SPATULA GIRL!!!"  An enraged Shampoo busts through the wall
beside the front door with an old-fashioned Tommy gun in her hands.  Ranma
and Ukyou both scream and jump off opposite ends of the bed as a rain of
bullets tears through the matress.  Shampoo hisses as she sends a random
spray of bullets through the room, knocking out Happy's camera (OLD VOICE:
Foiled again.) as well as disabling the cameraman in the back of the room.
The screen goes blank.
	(CUTE VOICE: Ranma!  You sleep with Stupid Spatula Girl!  You I kill!)
	(RANMA-KUN: Hold on, Shampoo!  Can't we talk this over?)
	(CUTE VOICE: Aaaiiiiiiii!!!!) !BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA-BA!
Simultaneously... (RANMA-KUN: Tenshin Amaguriken!)
!BA-BA-BA-BA-click-click-click-click  (CUTE VOICE: Oops.  Out of ammo.)
	*sound of cover being whipped about* (CUTE VOICE: Aaaaagh!  That hurt!
*curious sound and dreamy sigh* Ooooh, Ranma.  Never realize you so well built.)
	(CHEF'S NOTE: Yeah, I was just getting there!) !WHACK! *sound of chirping
birds* (DIZZY CUTE VOICE: Shampoo go sleep now.) *Thunk*
	(CHEF'S NOTE: Oh, Ranchan, are you alright?) (RANMA-KUN: Yeah, thanks,
Ucchan.) (*giggles* Oh, Ranchan!  You are well built! *gasp of air* Oh, my!
I bet Akane's never got a response like that. *giggles*) (RANMA-KUN: Uh...
er... hey, who's that behind you!) (CHEF's NOTE: Where?  I don't see anyone.
*pause* Where did he go? *sniffle sniffle* Ranchan!)

		

	Ranma left the inn as quickly and as secretatively as superhumanly
possible.  After diverting Ukyou's attention--and it had always surprised
him that that old trick still worked--he ducked out a window in one of the
other rooms, not wanting to have to pass his pop or Mr. Tendo, or the
sheriff for that matter.
	He now skulks down the empty street, keeping a sharp eye open.  "So what do
I do now?"
	From out of nowhere (CHEF'S NOTE: You mean Nowhere.), Soun appears at his
side, tears in his eyes, and holds out the hefty script he saw earlier.
Ranma jumps back at the man's mysterious presence and looks around for some
hiding place he may have overlooked.
	After a few seconds, Ranma smiles and takes the bound papers.  Soun frowns,
but still looks as though he's going to cry.  "I hope you are not planning
to toss my poor, little Akane aside like an old newspaper."
	Ranma took a step back.  "Eh... er... uh...."
	"Because if you do, you will not only be dishonoring both of our families,
but you will be damaging the reputations of your father and myself more than
they already are.  And you wouldn't want that, now, would you?"
	Ranma takes another step back and shakes his head furiously.
	"Good.  As long as we have an understanding."  Suddenly, Soun's head grows
so big that it bumps into the camera.  "Because if you think for one second
that you can get off easy, Son, you've got another thing coming!"  Soun
returns to normal and walks off.
	Ranma is frozen with fear, one leg folded in front of the other and both
arms bent outward, each hand with thumb, index, and pinky extended in the
charicteristic Ranma 1/2 warding pose, the script falling sloppily to the
ground.  When a good breeze hits him a while later, he falls over like a
cardboard cutout (OLD VOICE: Which I substituted with only a second's notice.).
	Ukyou and Armitage run to Ranma's side, also appearing from out of Nowhere.
They help him up, Ukyou taking his right side while the sheriff taking his
left.  Ukyou looks into his glazed eyes.  "Are you alright, Ranchan?"
	They both start brushing the dust from Ranma's clothes, with Armitage doing
a better job because the okonomiyaki hooker... (CHEF'S NOTE: HEY!)
...okonomiyaki chef takes her time dusting his pants.  "Ranchan?"
	Ranma shakes his head and snaps himself back to reality.  "Wha... where am I?"
	Armitage looks around for more dust to brush off.  "You fainted."
	"Un?"  Ranma glances to either side and stars feeling uncomfortable.
"Uh... uh... I need to get my script."  Armitage appears in front of him
with the telltale papers, and Ranma just stutters.
	Ranma glances in both directions again and sighs, realizing that the two
girls won't back off, then starts flipping the pages.  Both girls rest their
heads dreamily on his side, but he tries to ignore them.
	Ranma's brow furrows and his mouth gapes slightly when he reaches this
point in the script.  He starts flipping pages back and forth incredulously.
(CHEF'S NOTE: Oh!  Does this mean that Ranchan and I get to....)  "What the
hell's goin on?  The rest of the script is blank!"  Ukyou and Armitage seem
only mildly interested in what he's saying.
	Ranma looks to the camera.  (NOTE: Sorry.  But after the scene with the
hooker, I sort of got tired of the movie and found something better to do.)
"So what am I supposed to do now?" (NOTE: Well... until I can come up with
anything, you're on your own.)
	The two girls slip their hands underneath Ranma's shirt, but he is too
angry to care.  He huffs, "Terrific!  I'm stuck in this stupid town with a
stupid name with a stupid author who has no idea what to do--and worst of
all, I have a stupid voice inside my head that has it in for me!  I'm going
to bed!"
	Ukyou and Armitage step back in shock and surprise, each secretly hoping
that he had one of them in mind.  Armitage smiles when Ranma picks her up by
the waist, but stands confused when he sets her down beside Ukyou and walks
off.  Ukyou stares after him until he rounds the corner, then stares at
Armitage and shrugs.
	Armitage blinks once, then snuggles into Ukyou's side and rests her head on
the chef's shoulder, smiling dreamily.  Ukyou's face contorts.

		

	It doesn't take long before Ranma finds another inn--since the sheriff and
(CUTE VOICE: That slut....) Ukyou will eventually return to the other one.
He assumes it's an inn.  He really doesn't look at the sign--and he doesn't
care to either.  He just hopes the author is still at least half-awake
enough to guide him to an inn.
	He walks inside and is greeted by a hearty "Nii hao!"  Ranma turns to see
Shampoo walk though a swinging door with a tray full of empty dishes.  She's
only wearing a long Chinese shirt, like she did in her second appearance in
the manga.  When she sees him, she sets the tray down and runs toward him
with arms spread.  "Aiyaa!  Ranma come see Shampoo!"
	She wraps her arms around her beloved, but he walks exhaustedly to a table
as if she weren't there.  "Not now, Shampoo, I'm tired.  Do you have a room
I could stay in?"
	Shampoo backs up, confused.  "You go sleep now?  It middle of day."
	Ranma sits back in a chair and yawns.  "Yeah, well... I don't know why I'm
so sleepy all of the sudden."  *Listen to the sound of my voice, Cretin
Saotome.  You are getting very sleepy.  It is getting harder for you to
maintain your strength....*  "By the way, what're you doing here?"
	Shampoo waves her arm through the room like a magic wand.  "This new Neko
Hanten.  Family business still expanding."
	Ranma smiles and looks around with half-open eyes.  "Yeah, cool."
	Shampoo looks concerned.  "Just start today, so no rooms ready."  She
smiles.  "Want sleep my room tonight?"
	Ranma answers flatly, "No.  I just want to be left alone tonight."  *Cretin
Saotome, you shall sleep alone tonight.  You shall always sleep alone.  You
shall never touch another woman and befoul her with your lechery....*  "I
sleep on the floor anyway."
	Shampoo looks at him sideways.  "Ok.  If you say so.  Blankets in closet."
She digs into her breast pocket and produces a key and hands it to him.
	"Thanx."  He starts digging into his own pocket.  "What do I owe you for
the room?"
	Shampoo nudges against his shoulder.  "Is on house, on one condition."
	Ranma's lids drop another fraction of an inch.  "Sure.  Watcha need?"
	Shampoo rocked on her heels.  "Well... last fanfic, you get kiss by two
Tendo girls, Stupid Spatula Girl, and other who remain nameless.  But
Shampoo no have turn."
	"Oh, is that all."  Ranma reaches over and kisses her full on the lips
before she knows what is happening.  *Saotome!  What did I just say!*  He
then turns around and walks for the stairs, waving his hand back in his
see-you-later gesture.
	The kiss wasn't what Shampoo would call a deep kiss, but the way it was
executed left a strong tingling sensation on her lips.  _I'll have to let
him stay an extra night for this one._  She sighs heavily and passes out.
	Ranma trudges up the stairs.  *Didn't you hear me, you fool?  I said you
were not to touch another woman!*  "Oh, Kunou.  Were you sayin something to
me?"  *Were you not listening to a word I said?!"*  "No.  Was it important?"
*Grrrrr.*
	(DR. TOFU: And so in Ranma Saotome's case, his physical need for sleep
overrides all other thinking processes except speech.)  (Nabiki: Interesting
stuff, Doc.  And all this time, I thought Ranma just didn't pay attention.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Uh.  Er.  Eh.  I'm tired.  I'm going to bed.